On Sunday, with the blessing of my physiotherapist, I went on my last long training run before my big race- the Mississauga Half on May 1st. I was excited to do this last run along the Humber River, with my friends and know that I was ready for the half. Unfortunately my knee decided it wasn't into it. Anytime I went over a bump or up or down a hill it felt like it was giving out. I knew something was wrong when multiple people- roughly 8- stopped me and encouraged me to keep going. Normally this doesn't bug me but I knew something was up on Sunday when they stopped me. Luckily my friend had stopped to take a photo and I kept going. When she caught up to me I mentioned that all these people were stopping me and she said, "you look like you're running in pain. You aren't looking like it's easy today". And she was right. I wasn't in pain but my body wasn't flowing through the movement like it normally does. My body was not happy.
The absolute worst part of the entire run was being 2 blocks away from the store and my knee feeling like it was giving out. Literally around the corner from where I was meeting my friends. I shook it out because I didn't want to be the LAST person to finish the training run AND be walking back to the store. In my mind, talk about being weak!
When the run was finished and we went out for celebratory brunch and mimosa's (picture me, drink in hand and an ice pack on my knee) I couldn't help but question if this pain was worth it. Why am I putting myself in a position where walking up and down stairs is difficult and my body is sore? I woke up today with pain in the lower right area of my back- because my body was not interested in running 20km. What today told me was that I didn't listen to my body on Sunday.
I have made a decision to not run the race on May 1st that I've been training for. Do I want to limp across a finish line potentially doing real damage to my knee? Not particularly. I want to finish strong and without pain, running and smiling. What sealed the decision was an email from one of my coaches saying she noticed that I looked like I was in pain on Sunday and I really should rest it.
That was a really difficult decision to make knowing that it's still roughly 2 weeks away, but my body just can't run it. I have been some kind of mess knowing I can't run. I sobbed yesterday knowing how hard it is on my body. And writing this isn't easy- it's making me feel all kinds of things- sadness, anger, frustration, fear...the unknown.
The frustration I'm feeling right now can't be described. I'm angry at my body for not being able to handle more. I'm upset with myself for all of the things I could've/should've/would've done. And I'm sad that I'm missing out on being able to do something that I've worked hard for.
I know what so many people will say (because so many of you have said it already)...it's better you rest it now so you don't do permanent damage...which I agree with. I don't want knee replacements- I'm 26 for heavens sake! But I'm trying to wrap my head around my (mostly) healthy 26 year old body not being able to handle something that it's been worked to do over the last year and more intensely over the last 14 weeks.
There is so much going through my mind with regards to my running future. Will I be able to run again? Will I want to run again? Will I be scared to run when I'm given the ok? Is there more serious damage done than I expect? (Don't worry everyone I'm trying to make a doctors appointment to get it checked out) there are so many questions, possibilities and variables going through my head and it's so overwhelming. I can't make decisions about workouts because I'm scared to make anything worse, but I also know that I need to keep up my muscle and building more so I have a better chance at running again.
I'm not sure where to go from here but hopefully wherever it is, I can run again...
